Monday, October 15, 2007
I wonder sometimes, why do people disappear?

There have been too many of these moments, moments when I feel that it was never meant to be, and when I feel like I've never known the person whom I put so much hope in.




Why did I put a stupid smiley face next to his name? Because I thought, you know, this was different. Such a frivolous symbol, yet it means that much.

It's been a month since I last heard from him. Or more, maybe, I don't know.

He likes to suddenly stare at me mid-sentence, and ask me to stop blinking. He says it's distracting. He likes to grab my thumb, and scratch my palm. He likes to rub my back. When he sleeps, he likes to hold my hand. He likes to feed me fries, and attempt to dance like Ne-Yo to make me laugh. He likes to say, "Oh wells." We both do, actually.

He likes to play with his lip-ring, and tell me crazy drunken stories. He tells me how kids run away when they see him in uniform. He tells me I can't smoke, I can't do this, I can't do that because "I AM the law." Then I'll sulk and he'll tell me to stop behaving like a spoilt child. Of course, he'll relent after I give him a hug.

He likes to play with my hair, my fingers, my babats. He's deprived, since he's got no babats of his own, that skinny bugger.

When we part ways, we'll hug, my head at his chest. Then he'll bend down and kiss me on the forehead and say "I'll see you soon."






Doesn't that all sound nice?

Sounds deceivingly like I have a boyfriend, but I don't. He was never mine, and I was never his.

There was an unspoken agreement between us, we'll have each other's companionship, but not the commitment. He was devoted at first, calls every night and good morning smses every morning, then they got lesser, but in a comfortable way. I understood he was tired from work.I myself was shagged from both school and work,but I still thought about him everyday.



I still do, but I'm slowly letting go. Maybe one of these days I'll give him a call. I'm trying to understand his sudden disappearence. The thought that something could have happened to him did cross my mind more than once, but I always refuted that, thinking he can very well take care of himself.

I know you're thinking, WTF bitch what are you waiting for can you go call him now?

But what if something really did happen to him? You see, I don't know if I really want to find out. Maybe I'm scared or something, I have no idea.





Is it because I'm scared of getting hurt? I'm too used to cruising on from so-called relationships relatively unharmed. Even if I do get hurt, I pick myself up quite easily, but in this case, I'm not too sure.

This is the part where I'm supposed to start tearing silently in front of the computer. This is the part where I'm supposed to cry.

Keyword: Supposed.




I can't cry anymore lah. There are people facing far more severe hardships than I am, and are they crying like a pussy? Even if they are, they are so much more deserving of an emotional breakdown than I am. Why should I cry over a guy? I know, I listed all the reasons in the previous paragraphs. But still.

Weh.


Siaks apa pasal saya tiba-tiba emoshit ni? Haiya.

Dahlah cukup lah.