Wednesday, October 31, 2007
You don't know what you're running away from.
Dorothy was right, oh.

You used to get it in your fishnets,
Now you only get it in your nightdress.
Saving all the naughty nights for niceness,
Philandering a very common crisis.

I can't eat. My stomach is so effed up.

Work was a blast yesterday. Well, the first half of work anyway. Halloween costumes and SBOF pirates belong together. Am I right?
I laughed and laughed. I laughed some more. But still never get six-pack. Haiya.


Other than that, work more or less sucked. It was the third day of my period, my back and shoulders were aching, AHEM was on the floor, there were boxes everyfuckingwhere because stocktake and prep for Xmas was happening on the same night. I just felt like lying down on the floor, apron and all. And and and, I spilled a whole carton of milk on the floor, then I broke the Venti scoop. And I kept hurting myself.

GRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGG

I need to cut my hair. Discard all the negativity that has been happening.

My mum is not talking sense. I was talking to this guy on the phone and she suddenly asked me if my friend wanted to nominate me for duno what award because she heard me talking to the guy about what secondary school I went, what school I'm in now blah blah. Like, WEHH?

I just gave her the "HUH I have no bloody idea what you're talking about" look and continued what I was doing. Gosh. I'm so rude.

Sorry Mum.



Okay that's all. Cheers.

Tuesday, October 30, 2007
I can feel my mind meandering again. This is never a good thing. I won't feel like doing anything productive, just sitting down and getting things off my back.

Sometimes I confuse myself. I think I'm fine, I'm okay, I'm alright. Then I go home, and I feel like fuck. WHY SIA. I have four line drawings, two renderings and one still life composition to finish but I just feel like going out and getting wet in the rain.

I think God is being very kind to me. I reach home and five seconds later a storm starts.

I just took two Panadols (for what reason, I have no idea) and I am supposed to go to sleep.

So I will. Morning.

Sunday, October 28, 2007
Izzy: You know I love you. *GAG I need paper bag now ACKKKKK
Anyway, I asked for ingenius ideas, not stupid ones. Okay? Okay.

I'm actually feeling slightly messed up now. Don't know why.




Mmm. I think, no wait, I BELIEVE lechers should be publicly shamed. They should be stripped naked and hung on lamp posts for all to see. But then again, that could actually appease the exhibitionist side of them. SO scrap that. They should be stripped naked and castrated, and then hung UPSIDE DOWN on lamp posts! Yessa itu dia.

There was a lecher sitting next to Yana and staring at her. MOFO. Go fucking die.

Pooled just now. I feel at ease when I pool. I don't think about anything bad, just having fun and potting them balls. Another addiction I guess. The gravity of my addictions are terrifying. I hate feeling dependant, but I can't help it sometimes.

I'm turning in now. Cheers, world.

Friday, October 26, 2007
Amino, I am having utmost difficulty fitting three animals around your band's crest.

He wants a garuda, lion and a tiger. Where can? Haiya.
By the way, a garuda is not a fish/eel/underwater creature. It is a bird. Yes, I was one like one of you gobloks too, I thought it was a fish.

Damn. I just realised, I've been single for ten months already. That's the longest ever larsey.

Um yah anyway.

Christine: You very random eh. Yeah I have tried brown eyeliner before. Hahas. Why?

Izzy: NO I DO NOT YOU BASKET.

Ham: HELLO HELLO. Okay. HELLO to you too. Hahas.

I woke up at one in the afternoon today. WTH? Usually I'll wake up at 9, loll around in bed and get up latest by noon. I didn't even wake up until my mum screamed at me to do so since it was already afternoon. I disgust myself sometimes.

I so badly want to pierce my lip. But how to hide from my parents? Now that, ladies and gentlemen, is the golden question. If you have an ingenius way of doing so, please, do tell me and I'll love you forever. Thanks.




Slowly, I feel my hate dissipating. But whether I can trust again, that's something else.

Wednesday, October 24, 2007
Hallu hallu. My block is over. Like, YEAYNESS.

Waiting for next block to start. Can I get advance pay? I need to buy paint and brushes.

Yana: OF COURSE I will help you duh! Hahaha pay lagi two weeks, lagi two weeks can talk okehh.

Izzy: Siao. I don't do polygamy. Thanks.

Tuesday, October 23, 2007

Monday, October 22, 2007
I know it's no good for me, but somehow I just don't give a damn.

Nurul: Thanks babe :)

Seri: Hahaha, don't just squash. Castrate skali.

Ily: HAHAHA yeah I remember very well. Must use rusty knife okay. Wait, I think use parang better. K I go find.
Oh, and NO cannot burn down Adidas store! Cannot!!! I sayang Adidas.

Syaf: Caaaaan. Eh, don't hurt the smiley's feeling leh. It had no choice.



My head's throbbing. Aduh.

So's my shoulder. Maybe I should just go sleep. I foresee sleep eluding me in the (very) near future.

Sunday, October 21, 2007
I have this insane urge to cut my hair.

Saturday, October 20, 2007
I'm getting by surprisingly well on a grand total of seven hours of sleep for the past two days.

Starting to lose my patience and showing my garang side nowadays. I'm snapping at people, spitting expletives every five seconds, having violent outbursts (if you count screaming, "ALL YOU GUYS ARE FUCKERS FUCK YOU ALL! in the middle of Orchard Road as violent) and whatnots.

*sigh



Sampoerna cuts appetite like nobody's business, I swear.

Thursday, October 18, 2007
I LOVE YOU GUYS. Serious shit. I do.

Next block, 2D Art, 12 to 3pm. I can wake up late AND work comfortably. Lovely.

HOWEVER, next NEXT block, Typography and Layout, 9am to 12pm. Then, Creative Writing (it's my CDS), 6 to 9pm. I can cry sia my God. But that's after holidays so I guess I'll party my arse off before worrying about that.

I'm starting to read again. Thanks to Amin. I bought two books! From Kino! For sixteen bucks. It's a vintage collection of the Brothers Grimm fairy tales. And it came with a free book, The Bloody Chamber.

I love the Brothers Grimm. They're sick. I remember reading this book by them when I was a kid. I forgot the title but it was about this pair of brother and sister. The brother got kidnapped by fairies or something, then the sister went to rescue him, going on a trecherous journey blah blah. There was this scene where I got really freaked; she was trapped in a room and she had to CUT OFF her finger and use it as a key to open the door. Then she put her finger in a wine goblet to keep it safe.

Sick right? There were even illustrations ah.

Brr.

Okay I have to go now. I'll continue later, maybe. Ta!

And you, you can go die, okay? Thanks.

Tuesday, October 16, 2007
FUCKING PIECE OF SHIT.

I can't believe such scum actually exists. Stupid Fiq. You're so stupid.

Monday, October 15, 2007
I wonder sometimes, why do people disappear?

There have been too many of these moments, moments when I feel that it was never meant to be, and when I feel like I've never known the person whom I put so much hope in.




Why did I put a stupid smiley face next to his name? Because I thought, you know, this was different. Such a frivolous symbol, yet it means that much.

It's been a month since I last heard from him. Or more, maybe, I don't know.

He likes to suddenly stare at me mid-sentence, and ask me to stop blinking. He says it's distracting. He likes to grab my thumb, and scratch my palm. He likes to rub my back. When he sleeps, he likes to hold my hand. He likes to feed me fries, and attempt to dance like Ne-Yo to make me laugh. He likes to say, "Oh wells." We both do, actually.

He likes to play with his lip-ring, and tell me crazy drunken stories. He tells me how kids run away when they see him in uniform. He tells me I can't smoke, I can't do this, I can't do that because "I AM the law." Then I'll sulk and he'll tell me to stop behaving like a spoilt child. Of course, he'll relent after I give him a hug.

He likes to play with my hair, my fingers, my babats. He's deprived, since he's got no babats of his own, that skinny bugger.

When we part ways, we'll hug, my head at his chest. Then he'll bend down and kiss me on the forehead and say "I'll see you soon."






Doesn't that all sound nice?

Sounds deceivingly like I have a boyfriend, but I don't. He was never mine, and I was never his.

There was an unspoken agreement between us, we'll have each other's companionship, but not the commitment. He was devoted at first, calls every night and good morning smses every morning, then they got lesser, but in a comfortable way. I understood he was tired from work.I myself was shagged from both school and work,but I still thought about him everyday.



I still do, but I'm slowly letting go. Maybe one of these days I'll give him a call. I'm trying to understand his sudden disappearence. The thought that something could have happened to him did cross my mind more than once, but I always refuted that, thinking he can very well take care of himself.

I know you're thinking, WTF bitch what are you waiting for can you go call him now?

But what if something really did happen to him? You see, I don't know if I really want to find out. Maybe I'm scared or something, I have no idea.





Is it because I'm scared of getting hurt? I'm too used to cruising on from so-called relationships relatively unharmed. Even if I do get hurt, I pick myself up quite easily, but in this case, I'm not too sure.

This is the part where I'm supposed to start tearing silently in front of the computer. This is the part where I'm supposed to cry.

Keyword: Supposed.




I can't cry anymore lah. There are people facing far more severe hardships than I am, and are they crying like a pussy? Even if they are, they are so much more deserving of an emotional breakdown than I am. Why should I cry over a guy? I know, I listed all the reasons in the previous paragraphs. But still.

Weh.


Siaks apa pasal saya tiba-tiba emoshit ni? Haiya.

Dahlah cukup lah.

Saturday, October 13, 2007
Hari Raya. Usually it goes like this.

Everybody gets emo and teary-eyed in the morning and early afternoon, then they get raucous and noisy in the late afternoon and evening, then they get sleepy and stuffed by night time.

Well. In my family anyway. Hee.

I actually said my apologies in English. Somehow saying it in Malay makes it sound very scripted and fake. You know, like, "Saya ingin mohon ampun dan maaf atas segala kesilapan saya, harap dimaaf jika tersilap kata, semoga Tuhan murahkan rezeki (insert relevant name) dan panjangkan umur (insert relevant name) BLAH de blah blah."

It just sounds nice and flowery, more like reading a poem , not asking for forgiveness, you know what I mean?



I had two miserable pieces of ketupat (which is like, half a ketupat) with sambal goreng, ayam masak merah and LOTS of sambal kacang (my bloody favouritest thing ever to eat with ketupat) and I was FULL. What a loser stomach I have.

So I went to my maternal grandfather's house (yes, the cute one) first. Actually it's not HIS house, it's my aunt's house but since he lives there, oh wells. There was only him, my elder cousin (my said aunt's daughter) and my uncle from KL.

Had brownies and lotsa those cornflake cup thingamajigs.

Then we went over to my paternal grandmother's house. Again, it's not HER house, but since blah blah you get the picture neh?

That house, I tell you, was CryCentral for a couple of hours. People were crying around me everywhere! Aper lagi ha, amek gambar. I've never seen my father so, so wrecked with emotion before seriously. Must have been something bad that went on between them. None of my business.

I didn't cry this year.

Maybe the heart stopped? Ha ha. Weh.




That was around 6ish. Remember the last meal I had? That was in the morning. I realised lunch was cornflakes and peanuts. Nonsense sia! So I had an early dinner to avoid eating later. Again, two measly pieces of ketupat and I was full. What.

Watched random sing here sing there shows on Suria, and I realise that Aliff Aziz, the kid (sweet sixteen pe, kid ah) who won Anugerah or something, is quite cute! And he has a dimple, plus he speaks with a lisp. Sungguh adorable. I realised all the kid stars on Suria have grown up (the ones in my generation anyway), and boy are some of them uglehh! Oop. Kay I am SO mean I will stop it.

Anyhoo.

I dropped by store to give Neng kuih. Hahas. I know, I'm such an angel. HAHA.

Then we headed off to my aunt's place in Yishun, chilled abit, then left for home. Reached home slightly after midnight.

Now I'm fucking dehydrated.

K lah, that's all for today folks. Ta!

Friday, October 12, 2007
YEAY YEAY BESOK RAYE.

Back to eating in daylight. Haven't played bunga api larsey.






I don't feel it in my bones, like I used to, somehows.

I guess tomorrow will be just another new day.




I think he's dead.


Here I am. Blogging in defragmented sentences.

Fake tales of San Francisco echo through the room.
I don't want to hear you, kick me out, kick me out.

If only I had the strength then maybe
You could believe in something else.
If you keep asking me,
I'll melt away in the summer air.
It won't hurt half as much and I'll beg for you to stop it now.

No sleeping at night,
But I'm going from bar to bar
Why can't we just rewind.
Why can't we just rewind.

We are the angry mob,
We read the papers everyday.
We like who we like,
We hate who we hate,
But we're also easily swayed.

I can do it I can do it I can do it I can do it without you.

I hope that I will never let you down,
And I know that this can be more than just flashing lights and sounds.
Late night, brakes lock, hear the tyres squeal,
Red light can't stop so I spin the wheel.
My world goes black before I feel an angel lift me up
And I open bloodshot eyes into fluorescent white
They flip the siren, hit the lights
Close the doors and I am gone.

Monday, October 08, 2007

Saturday, October 06, 2007
FUCK I'M TIRED.

Closing yesterday, pre-closing today, closing tomorrow (thanks to that Shina).

And I have an essay to hand up on Monday. And some other stuff actually, I seem to have so damn bloody much to do.

Fags, a shoulder massage and sleep. That's all I need, seriously.

Thursday, October 04, 2007
I can be his Jenny anytime.

Tuesday, October 02, 2007
SBOF at Seoul Garden.